Step into the digital waiting room, if you dare, where the Hippocratic Oath is less of a promise and more of a suggestion. In the vast and bizarre world of video games, not all healers are created equal.
From mad scientists hell-bent on world domination to well-intentioned physicians with questionable methods, the medical profession in gaming is, to put it mildly, a minefield of malpractice. Our extensive research into these digital doctors has revealed a shocking truth: their medical licenses should be revoked immediately. This list is a public service announcement, a warning to anyone seeking help in a virtual world.
Dr. Mario
Dr. Mario seems to operate under the bizarre and unproven theory that a handful of multicoloured vitamins, dropped strategically on an array of disgruntled viruses, is a surefire cure for all that ails you. His medical practice consists of nothing more than a glorified game of Tetris, where instead of solving a puzzle, he’s ‘curing’ ailments by lining up pills. There are no syringes, no stethoscopes, and certainly no sterile environment in sight.
The viruses themselves, which seem to be sentient and quite irritated by his methods, are the only patients we ever see. His clinic is a petri dish of poor hygiene, and his medical degree, if it even exists, is likely from a correspondence course specialising in block-based therapeutics. He’s a public health hazard in a lab coat.
Dr. Mundo
The embodiment of medical malpractice, Dr. Mundo from League of Legends is a terrifying, purple behemoth who views healing as a violent and messy affair. His catchphrase, “Mundo goes where he pleases,” should probably be amended to “Mundo practices medicine with a cleaver and no medical license.” He claims to be a doctor, but his surgical tools are a butcher’s knife and an oversized syringe filled with a mysterious, volatile liquid.
He’s more interested in cackling and wreaking havoc on the battlefield than he is in any form of ethical treatment. His healing abilities seem to be based on regeneration, which is impressive, but his surgical abilities involve throwing his cleaver at people, which is not. Are we sure his medical degree isn’t a forgery?
Dr. Zed
Dr. Zed from the Borderlands series is probably the only honest ‘doctor’ on this list, in that he openly admits he’s a fraud. His clinic, which is more of a glorified shack filled with rusty tools and questionable contraptions, is plastered with signs proudly declaring, “I don’t have a medical license!” While he does offer to ‘fix’ you up, his methods are crude, his bedside manner is nonexistent, and his primary business model seems to be selling weapons and questionable medical supplies.
He’s the kind of doctor who would patch you up with a roll of duct tape and send you on your way, all while trying to sell you a new shield.
Dr. Tenenbaum
From the BioShock series, Dr. Tenenbaum is a geneticist whose questionable actions paved the way for the horrific Splicers of Rapture. While her later work is driven by a genuine desire for redemption, her initial research into ADAM – a substance derived from sea slugs that allows for genetic modification – was wildly unethical. She exploited vulnerable young girls, turning them into the iconic (but terrifying) Little Sisters who carry and harvest ADAM.
Her desire to save humanity from its imperfections led her to create monsters, both literal and metaphorical. Her medical degree might be from a legitimate institution, but her practices were anything but.
Dr. William Birkin & Dr. Alexia Ashford
In the terrifying world of Resident Evil, a medical license is more of a liability than a benefit, and nowhere is this more apparent than with the work of Dr. William Birkin and Dr. Alexia Ashford.
Both were brilliant virologists and top-tier researchers for the Umbrella Corporation, a company that used its medical research as a front for bioweapon development. Birkin, obsessed with his own G-Virus, injected himself with it to ‘save’ his research from the military, transforming himself into a grotesque and homicidal monster. His work was never about healing, but about creating the ultimate biological weapon.
Similarly, Alexia Ashford, a prodigy from a young age, developed the T-Veronica Virus to create a new breed of superhuman. She willingly injected herself with the virus and encased herself in cryogenic stasis to allow the virus to properly integrate with her body. She, like Birkin, saw her own body as a canvas for her work, a shocking display of disregard for her own well-being. These two are the poster children for what happens when medical research is left in the hands of those with no ethical or moral compass.
Dr. Neo Cortex
Dr. Neo Cortex, the megalomaniacal antagonist of the Crash Bandicoot series, is a mad scientist with a doctorate in—well, something nefarious. He’s constantly trying to take over the world using his bizarre inventions and mutant minions. His medical practices are completely unethical, and he has a terrible bedside manner. He’s the kind of doctor who would tell you that you’re a failure and then try to use you as a guinea pig for one of his ridiculous experiments.
He created Crash Bandicoot, his supposed ‘finest creation,’ and then tried to destroy him when he deemed him a failure. Thankfully, Bandicoots are a bit tricky to deal with.
Dr. Hojo
Dr. Hojo from Final Fantasy 7 is the very definition of a mad scientist. He’s a brilliant but completely unethical man who is obsessed with his research, which includes genetic experimentation and human-hybrid creatures. He has absolutely no regard for human life, and he’s responsible for some of the most horrific events in the game. He created Sephiroth, who went on to become one of the most dangerous villains in video game history.
His medical degree should be ripped up for his complete disregard for human life and his willingness to perform horrific experiments on people. He is the worst kind of doctor: one who sees people not as patients, but as test subjects.
Dr. Mordin Solus
Dr. Mordin Solus from the Mass Effect series is a Salarian geneticist who is responsible for the creation of the genophage, a biological weapon that sterilises the Krogan species. While he later expresses remorse and a desire to create a cure, his initial actions are completely unforgivable. He’s a man of science, but his actions prove that he has no regard for the well-being of the species he’s working on.
His medical degree should be revoked for his willingness to use his scientific knowledge to cause harm to others. He’s useful in a shootout, but I wouldn’t be going to him for any actual medical issues. Just in case.
