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No, You’re Doing It Wrong: What I Would Have Done Differently From The Protagonist In These Gaming Scenarios

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Ethan with his hands in front of his face in Resident evil village, link with Zelda in a field in tears of the kingdom, and James leaning against a railing in silent hill 2 remake, left to right.

Sometimes when you’re watching a movie, reading a book, or playing a game, you can’t help but scream. Why would the protagonist do that? Everything would have been so much easier and less dramatic if they had just done one thing differently. In fact, I probably could’ve done better.

Devil May Cry 5 Dante.

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So I decided to envision exactly what that would look like. There are a lot of games out there, and though I would argue that the vast majority are at least competently, if not outright well-written, there are some moments in games, intentional or otherwise, where I felt like, maybe, I would have been just a little bit smarter.

8 Realised I Was A Mold Monster

Resident Evil Village

Ethan Winters holds a knife as he covers his face in Resident Evil Village.

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ESRB
M for Mature: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language

Developer(s)
Capcom

Publisher(s)
Capcom

Engine
RE Engine

Cross-Platform Play
ps4,ps4,xbox one, pc

Cross Save
yes

Franchise
Resident Evil

Steam Deck Compatibility
yes

Platform(s)
PS4, PS5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X, Xbox Series S, Stadia, PC

OpenCritic Rating
Mighty

How Long To Beat
10 Hours

X|S Optimized
yes

PS Plus Availability
N/A

Metascore
84

Resident Evil 7 is what the series needed to give itself a new direction, and so Village was very confident in its first-person action-horror hybrid. And even though Ethan like like little more than a cardboard cut-out in the original, he became, somehow, an actually endearing character in Village.

Though endearing does not mean smart. You see, it takes until almost the very end of the game until Ethan realises he is one of the mold monsters from the Baker home. You would think the magical ability to reattach your hands with a bit of steriliser and being basically impervious would give it away. See, I would have noticed I was made of mold, I like to think, immediately. Hands typically need a bit more surgery to reattach.

7 Helped Bowser And Peach Realise What They Have In Common

Basically Any Mario

Mario looking on at what looks to be a wedding between Bowser and the Princess

super-mario-odyssey-cover-art.jpg

Super Mario Odyssey

Systems

Released
October 27, 2017

ESRB
E10+ for Everyone 10+: Cartoon Violence, Comic Mischief

Developer(s)
Nintendo

Publisher(s)
Nintendo

Engine
Unreal Engine 4

Multiplayer
Local Multiplayer, Online Multiplayer

Franchise
Super Mario Bros.

Platform(s)
Switch

OpenCritic Rating
Mighty

How Long To Beat
13 Hours

Metascore
97

In some many Mario games, our titular hero goes off in search of Bowser in hopes of saving Peach. It is a tried-and-true tale that we have seen countless times over the decades. And as we have also seen, Peach is typically very capable of saving yourself. It’s tradition at this point, a game of cat-and-mouse.

Mario looks to the right, a Rabbid stares open-mouthed at us, and Tom Nook pierces our soul with his gaze.

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If I was Mario? No more chasing. This is all an act, a way of getting Mario’s attention. After all these years, they should just tell each other how they really feel. The chase was fun, but a life together could be even better. Leave Peach out of this as a middleman. I’d get with Boswer, basically. The suits are already there for the wedding.

6 Told My Son I Love Him

God Of War

Kratos and Atreus on a hunt in God of War (2018).

god-of-war-cover-art.jpg

God of War

ESRB
M for Mature: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language

Developer(s)
Santa Monica Studio

Publisher(s)
Sony

Engine
Proprietary Engine

Franchise
God of War

Platform(s)
PC, PlayStation 4

OpenCritic Rating
Mighty

How Long To Beat
20 Hours

PS Plus Availability
Extra & Premium

Metascore
94

Look, I’m not strictly criticising the 2018 God of War for its direction with Kratos. He is a character defined by his rage and inability to actually process emotions. Having him come to terms with actually having a child and how to be a role model for him is very cool. But I can only see him reach out his hand to embrace his son before dragging it away again with uncertainty. It’s touching the first time, not the fifth and sixth.

Me? I am not emotionally stunted. Sure, I am not the literal God of War, either, but my emotional strength definitely surpasses Kratos. So I would have told Atreus, as his parent, that I loved him. I feel like a lot of angst and some Norse-myth related shenanigans could have been avoided with a sit-down and some mature conversations, and maybe a little crying.

5 Not Kill My Wife

Silent Hill 2

James looking at a forest in Silent Hill 2 Remake.

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Silent Hill 2

Released
September 25, 2001

ESRB
Mature 17+ // Blood and Gore, Violence

Developer(s)
Team Silent

Publisher(s)
Konami

Engine
Unreal Engine 5

Prequel(s)
Silent Hill

Franchise
Silent Hill

Number of Players
1

PC Release Date
December 2, 2002

Platform(s)
PlayStation 2, Xbox (Original), PC

OpenCritic Rating
Mighty

How Long To Beat
8 Hours

How Long To Beat (Completionist Runs)
15.5 hours

rAs it stands at the moment, I quite like my partner. I’d even go so far as to say I love them. I remember the things they like, the places we visit as a couple, and so on. There’s some hard work involved, and there are the odd down moments, but it’s a pretty sturdy relationship I like to think. Nothing that would ever have us drawn to Silent Hill for a weekend getaway at any rate.

Silent Hill Iconic Monsters Featured

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So if I was in James’ shoes, the events of Silent Hill 2 would never have happened. Why? Well I wouldn’t have killed my wife, to start. Typically that’s like the worst possible thing you can do regardless of the situation. And so James ended up in Silent Hill filled with perverse monsters and even conjured up another woman to manifest his fears and desires. Not me. I have a clear conscience and a loving view of my loved one. That’s part of the whole ‘in sickness and in health’ thing.

4 Told Everyone I Found Zelda

Tears Of The Kingdom

Link kneeling next to Zelda in a field of flowers in Tears of the Kingdom.

zelda-tears-of-the-kingdom-cover.jpg

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is a direct sequel to the Nintendo Switch hit Breath of the Wild. In it, Link must team up with Princess Zelda to rid Hyrule of another threat to its existence.

ESRB
Rated E for Everyone 10+ for Fantasy Violence and Mild Suggestive Themes

Developer(s)
Nintendo

Publisher(s)
Nintendo

Engine
Havok

Cross-Platform Play
N/A

Cross Save
N/A

Franchise
The Legend of Zelda

Steam Deck Compatibility
n/a

Nintendo Switch Release Date
May 12, 2023

Nintendo Switch 2 Release Date
June 5, 2025

Platform(s)
Nintendo Switch, Nintendo Switch 2

OpenCritic Rating
Mighty

How Long To Beat
59 Hours

X|S Optimized
n/a

Metascore
96

In Breath of the Wild, Link awakens to a Hyrule slowing rebuilding itself from the calamity that still looms over the nation. The story, overall, is light with most of it focused on singular areas that all lead to the ultimate defeat of Calamity Ganon. In Tears of the Kingdom, Hyrule has had time to rebuild properly, and the world is bustling and changing. And with that came a more curated story.

Though curated as it was, it was not always linear, either. In fact, Link could discover the faith of Zelda quite early on and locate her. Except he, um, doesn’t tell anyone else. They report sightings of her, take about the necessity of her recovery and Link just…stands there. Stoic as ever. I would not have done that. I would have said ‘hey, I actually found Zelda. She’s a dragon now’. Would anyone believe me? Who knows, but it’s better than being an even more silent than usual protagonist.

3 Wrote A Better Story

Alan Wake

Alan walking through the spiral door in Valhalla Nursing Home to be met with the same exact Writer's Room attic as in the earlier sections.

Alan Wake, overall, seems like a decent guy. I’m not going to call him a nice guy, he definitely had a lot of anger issues, though you can temper that a bit with how much he was swarmed by paparazzi. It wasn’t anything worthy of being trapped in the Dark Place. A bit too literally evil for a man who was otherwise quite mundane. And yes, Alan Wake was absolutely a mundane writer.

The mask from Visage between Darkwood and The Mortuary Assistant game cover images.

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If you’ve picked up any of his manuscripts, in the original especially, you’d know that Alan’s are absolutely a cliché-fest. Yes, I know the Dark Place demands consistency and rewrites the story, too. But surely you can mess with the rules a little bit? The whole point of writing is that you can write anything! There doesn’t need to be a loop, a spiral, a sacrifice. We have plenty of happy endings. And I would have written exactly that. And then everyone lived happily ever after.

2 Not Been Corrupted By A Ring Of Power

Middle-Earth: Shadow of War

Talion Celebrimbor Shadow of War
via.ArsTechnica.com

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ESRB
M for Mature: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence

Developer(s)
Monolith

Publisher(s)
Warner Bros. Games

Engine
lithtech

Multiplayer
Online Multiplayer, Local Multiplayer

Franchise
The Lord of the Rings

Platform(s)
PS4, Xbox One, PC

OpenCritic Rating
Strong

How Long To Beat
21 Hours

X|S Optimized
No

File Size Xbox Series
60 GB (November 2023)

PS Plus Availability
N/A

Talion is, for all intents and purposes, just a dude. He was important in that he was a ranger of Gondor, though he wasn’t particularly special in that regard otherwise. He just so happened to be the one that Celebrimbor chose. And despite their differences (and Celebrimbor’s ego especially), the duo did a good job in the original game. Not so much in the sequel.

You would think being a ranger of Gondor that Talion would have been better at detecting a threat. And Celebrimbor was the most obvious red flag in existence. The man was obviously just looking for power of his own. And to his credit, Talion did survive through the use of Isildur’s ring for quite a while. But honestly, I would’ve done even better. Oh, the ring is finally turning me into a loyal Nazgul? I would’ve just taken it off and died a true death, no serving Sauron here.

1 Saved Aerith

Final Fantasy 7

aerith standing behind cloud in final fantasy 7 rebirth.

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Final Fantasy 7

Released
January 31, 1997

ESRB
T for Teen: Blood, Fantasy Violence, Language, Mild Suggestive Themes

Developer(s)
Square Enix

Publisher(s)
Square Enix

Engine
Unreal Engine 4

Cross-Platform Play
ps, pc

Cross Save
Players who have already started their adventure on iOS or Android can take advantage of cross-save capabilities

Franchise
Final Fantasy

Steam Deck Compatibility
yes

Platform(s)
PlayStation (Original), PC, iOS, Android, Nintendo Switch, Xbox One, PS4

OpenCritic Rating
Strong

How Long To Beat
37 Hours

X|S Optimized
yes

Supported VR Headsets
Oculus Quest 2

In what is often seen as one of the most impactful moments in gaming, Aerith’s death in the original is a pivotal moment. A showcase of the strength of storytelling in gaming, and the catalyst that shifts the focus of the entire journey in Final Fantasy 7. It’s an important event, one that needed to happen. However, emotions as very strong, and so many us, selfishly, want Aerith to live forever.

And of course, I could have saved her. You see, I am built different from Cloud, quite literally. He’s a Sephiroth clone. I am not. Therefore, no need for a grand reunion or Sephiroth’s mind tricks. I would have just saved Aerith before his sword could meet her. It’s really that easy. Maybe if Cloud wasn’t having an endless identity crisis, this could all have been avoided.

Maneater and Carrion.

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