Video games offer us incredible worlds to explore, epic quests to undertake, and even the chance to forge deep connections with pixelated companions. But let’s be honest: while we’re busy saving kingdoms or mastering complex economies, the romantic advice these games subtly impart can be… well, absolutely terrible.
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From gift-bombing strangers to solving all their problems with brute force, the path to a virtual sweetheart often involves strategies that would land you in serious trouble in the real world. So, if you’re looking for genuine relationship wisdom, perhaps steer clear of the digital realm.
“Just Shower Them with Gifts, Regardless of Their Tastes!”
Here’s the scenario: You’re trying to win over that brooding, alcoholic farmer, Shane, in Stardew Valley. He’s interesting and it feels rewarding to get him to open up to you. The game practically tells you to ply him with beer. It’s cheap and easily accessible!
Sure, it raises his heart level, but have you ever considered the real-world implications? “Here, honey, have another can; it’s how I show my love!” It’s less a romantic gesture and more a one-way ticket to an intervention.
“Be There Always, No Matter What”
You’ve moved to a new town, and there’s that one eligible bachelor/bachelorette who just has to be yours. How do you win them over? By learning their routine down to the minute, of course! Wait outside their house until they emerge, follow them to their job, hover while they tend their crops, and then escort them home.
Don’t worry about privacy or personal space; your unwavering, shadow-like presence is surely a sign of true affection. This strategy might net you a virtual spouse, but in reality, it’s a direct route to being labelled ‘the weird one who knows too much about my lunch breaks.
“Solve All Their Problems (Even the Ones They Didn’t Ask You To)!”
So, your love interest mentions a slight inconvenience, like a monster in their basement or a missing heirloom. The advice here is clear: immediately drop everything, embark on a perilous quest, and return triumphantly with their problem solved – preferably without them even asking. Forget emotional support or simply listening. True romance means becoming a professional fixer of all woes, apparently.
While admirable in a fantasy realm, imagine this in real life: “My car won’t start.’ ‘Don’t worry, honey, I’ve already bought you a new one and vanquished the mechanic who sold you the old one!” It’s overbearing, not to mention expensive, and completely bypasses genuine connection.
“Uh, Yeah, Kidnapping Works”
Feeling a bit stuck in your relationship? Perhaps your crush isn’t seeing your true potential. The solution, according to many a video game villain, is to remove them from their current environment and force them to spend quality time with you. Bonus points if you can trap them in an elaborate lair or a floating fortress.
This isn’t just bad advice; it’s a crime. Romance requires consent and freedom, two things conspicuously absent from Bowser’s playbook. It’s a strategy best left to pixelated psychopaths who love getting foiled by plumbers.
“Sarcasm Is The Language Of Love!”
Why bother with genuine compliments when you can perfectly express your affection through cutting remarks and thinly veiled insults? GLaDOS, the queen of passive-aggression, would surely advise that the best way to bond is to constantly undermine your partner’s self-esteem. ‘You’re doing wonderfully, for a completely incompetent simpleton,’ she might purr.
This approach fosters a unique kind of attachment – one based on fear, manipulation, and a deep-seated need for approval from a robotic overlord. In reality, consistently tearing someone down is a fast track to being single, and possibly alone in a testing facility for all eternity.
“Get Taken Over By Your All-Consuming Obsession, It’ll Work Out!”
Forget balance. The ultimate romantic move is to dedicate your entire being to one colossal, often dangerous, goal – saving the world, avenging your family, becoming the undisputed champion. Your significant other will simply have to adapt! They’ll understand why you’re always late, why you disappear for weeks without contact, and why your ‘date night’ involves you monologuing about your arch-nemesis.
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This advice suggests that pure, unadulterated tunnel-vision is a virtue in relationships, rather than a recipe for neglect and loneliness. In reality, a partner needs more than just second-hand stories of your epic accomplishments.
Desperate to solidify a bond? Skip the diamond rings and grand gestures. Instead, find a mysterious, star-shaped fruit, split it with your intended, and declare that ‘if two people share a paopu fruit, their destinies become intertwined.’ This mystical fruit from the Kingdom Hearts universe is presented as the ultimate relationship shortcut.
In reality, trying this would likely result in an awkward silence, followed by your date asking, ‘What is this? Is it safe to eat? Did you just pick this off a random tree?’ It’s a whimsical, if utterly impractical, piece of dating lore that works only when your love interest is also an anime protagonist with spiky hair. And even then, you’d better hope he’s not secretly in love with your other friend, an anime protagonist with spiky hair.
“Straight-Up Just Become A Lawyer”
Forget cheesy pick-up lines or shared interests; the true path to your love’s heart lies in rigorous legal training. Phoenix Wright’s entire life story suggests that the deepest emotional connections are forged in the crucible of the courtroom, specifically when defending your childhood rival from murder charges.
His implicit advice? If you want to get closer to someone, become a lawyer, repeatedly save them from the death penalty, and then dissect their emotional trauma on the stand. It’s a highly specific, incredibly niche, and utterly impractical dating strategy that somehow works only when the person you’re pursuing is also a prosecutor named Miles Edgeworth.
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