The UK is coming to the end of its third unseasonal heatwave. By the middle of July.
You know that feeling, when you go on holiday, you get off the plane, and it feels like you’ve stepped into a blast furnace? I flew to Greece a few weeks ago and it felt exactly the same as it did in windy old Leeds Bradford airport. And before you all start complaining that our temperatures aren’t as hot as yours, have a quick check in on Americans (and others from hot places, the likes of Australia, China, Pakistan, and more) realising that the UK is actually one of the poorest-equipped in the world to deal with heat.
The implications of these heatwaves are frightening. The frequency and intensity of extreme weather suggests that not only is climate change worsening, but it is accelerating. A recent study by LSHTM (that’s the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, AKA the experts in how the planet is trying to kill us) shows that one heatwave alone, from June 23 to July 2 of this year, resulted in 263 excess deaths in the UK. Of those 263, 172 have been chalked up to the impact of climate change. It’s a similar story across Western and Central Europe, where that particular heatwave hit hardest, and is, frankly, terrifying. (It’s also upsetting how the COVID pandemic has made the term “excess deaths” feel like a common phrase, but this is the world we live in now.)
The response in the UK is predictable. First, people get over excited that summer’s come early, spend far too much time in the garden/park/beer garden with too little sunscreen, and get heat stroke. Then come the complaints that it’s “too hot, if anything,” and it’s “I heard it’s hotter than
Then comes the fourth stage, the final ignominy to the little Englander: the hosepipe ban. Yorkshire, where I live, broke cover first. Following the “warmest spring for 132 years” our hosepipe ban came into place on July 11, and the CEO of Yorkshire Water thinks it won’t end “until winter.” South East Water came next, with its ban coming into place on July 18. The third provider was Thames Water, starting July 22. Given that most of the North of England – from Cumbria to Derbyshire – is experiencing its worst drought in years, and the rest of the country is baking, there are surely more hosepipe bans to come.
And do you know what all this made me think of? PowerWash Simulator, a game about high pressure hoses that feels strangely luxurious in the current climate.
PowerWash Simulator is proof that there is great pleasure to be found in systematic cleaning. It takes the familiar feel of a first-person shooter, but instead of blasting off virtual limbs, you’re blasting grime off virtual patio furniture. It’s not the only one, of course. There are so many other games in the tidying up genre – the literal (Lawn Mowing Simulator, House Flipper, Serial Cleaner); the mechanical (Unpacking, A Little to the Left); the thematic (Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing); and the weird (Katamari Damacy, Donut County) – and while they are all different and unique, they all focus on the zen-like pleasure found in making order from chaos. They are the tiny wooden rake in the gravelled garden of life.
The trouble with PowerWash Simulator specifically, however, and the reason I never got into it, is that it’s very difficult to justify playing it if you have actual pressure washing to do. It’s a game I know I would enjoy, but it’s simply a matter of poor timing. Had it been a thing when I lived in the city, in an apartment, with no outside space? Sure. That’s classic wish fulfillment. Fill your boots. But with my own patio that needs cleaning, a driveway covered in moss, a couple of dirty cars… it’s a hard sell to your loved ones that you’re using your extremely limited hours (spent not working, parenting, or sleeping) to pretend to clean up a pretend patio, driveway, or car.
As is often the case, The Simpsons had this thought long before it occurred to anyone else. In season 9, episode 12, as the family gasps at the attractions at a travelling carnival, Bart proclaims: “I want to go on the Yard Work Simulator!” – a virtual reality gardening game with alarmingly real-looking peripherals.
“But when I ask you to do yard work,” Marge begins, then trails off, letting out one of her pitch-perfect, disappointed mother sighs.
And that, captured in Marge Simpson’s plaintive groan, is my issue with PowerWash Simulator in a nutshell. It’s a lovely concept, a violence-free perversion of the first-person shooter, and a great way to while away a few hours with some gloriously satisfying tidying up. Studies show it’s good for your mental health, even.
In the face of another summer of extremes, heatwaves, droughts, and hosepipe bans, PowerWash Simulator feels like simple wish fulfillment. We’d all love to be in the garden, pratting about in a paddling pool, horsing around with a hosepipe, or cavorting with a Kärcher – but we can’t. (Breaking a hosepipe ban comes with a fine of £1000.) So allow yourself a bit of the good stuff, even if it’s just pretend. You’ve earned a little treat, living through these heatwaves.
You never know – if extreme temperatures continue and droughts get worse, pressure washing might join skiing, snowboarding (and other winter sports) on the list of pastimes that may not survive the effects of climate change. If that day comes, and we’re living under a perpetual hosepipe ban, we’ll be glad to have a virtual stand-in for pressure washing.
