I’m not a big fan of button-mashing as a mechanic. To be frank, I am very bad at it. There’s something that’s just off about my fingers. I’m dexterous, but when I issue the order for them to tap relentlessly at breakneck speeds, everything falls to pieces.
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Yet, setting that aside, I also find it to be a fairly rote mechanic, you know? I feel the same way about parrying, which I’m actually not terrible at. At least parrying doesn’t bring evil upon my thumbs (or, yes, whichever other finger I may use). As such, I declare the following games evil in their button-mashing execution.
Many examples will be minigames, rather than full-fledged video games in their own right. I have often found that the most devious developers conceal their sadistic tendencies within short bursts of wickedness.
6 That One Time I Tried To Play Street Fighter 2
Super Smash Bros. is the only fighting game franchise for me. And I’ve been told more than once that it barely even counts. I suppose that’s hardly surprising; the appeal of anything more technical, and straightforward, and well, lacking in items that’ll cheaply turn the tide in my favour, rather nukes all of my interest.
One time, I put my skills to the test with Street Fighter 2. I don’t remember which version it was. There are so many of them. I was like ten years old. It went poorly. I think Vega obliterated me. But I will tell you, I button-mashed with reckless abandon. It didn’t matter in the end, but hey, I did get several matches in.
Technically, I tried playing a Street Fighter game again in my twenties. It was Street Fighter 4. Y’know, everybody was playing Street Fighter 4 for a bit, and I figured I might as well be part of “everybody”. It went badly again, but I won a few times. Somehow. So, I don’t think that particular memory warrants a spot on my list.
There are two reasons I tend to allow myself to give up on Revolver Ocelot’s torture session in Metal Gear Solid. The first is objectively superior to the second. I prefer MGS1’s ending when Meryl dies. Snake and Otacon riding off into the sunset may have sparked multitudes of fanfics, but it’s good on its own merits, too. It’s bittersweet, but hopeful in its own way.
The second is, indeed, because I’m awful at it. You can tap out at any time, yielding and hoping for mercy, which Ocelot grants… to Snake, and to yourself. The price is one very dead heroine. So yes, I do make it a point to endure the grueling hand-torture sometimes, seeing as Meryl canonically survives Shalashaska’s devious mind game. If a friend happens to be in the room, though? You’re doing it for me, thanks.
Metal Gear Solid 2 includes a similar electroshock scenario. This time, it’s Raiden, and he’s at the mercy of Solidus. On the highest difficulty level, this is positively crushing, but I’m not counting it because it’s not so bad on Normal. And uh, it’s the reason I’ve never gotten past MGS2 on anything above Hard.
4 Hippaul’s Obnoxious Racing In Final Fantasy 9
Final Fantasy 9 is a beautiful game. It’s one of the best video games ever made. I love 98 percent of it. The remaining 2 percent is largely comprised of its particularly terrible minigames. Jump rope is arduous, but it’s not a button-masher; in fact, if you try to mash the button with it, you’ll never get anywhere. It’s all about precision. I can live with precision.
The Hippaul racing minigame, on the other hand, starts out as a cakewalk before slowly but steadily progressing into a nightmare. Each time you beat him in a race, he “levels up”. You’ve got to race the kid to level 80 in order to get the unique key item, Athlete Queen.
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Mind you, I’ve never gotten that far. The tangible rewards stop long before that. And unless you’re a total masochist, don’t raise him to level 100. There’s no point. You don’t even get the trophy – you get that at 80. Anyway, this is actually all about tapping two buttons, back and forth, in rapid succession. If you, dear reader, ever engage in this? I bet you’ll be better at it than I’ve ever been.
3 The Time Four-Year-Old Me Misunderstood Sword Of Vermilion
Sword of Vermilion is the first video game I ever played. I was four years old. I ate a bowl of oatmeal every morning, and booted up my hand-me-down Sega Genesis. It was either Sword of Vermilion of Sonic the Hedgehog. To be sure, I’d alternate, but the first time I turned that console on? Totally the game with the muscular dude with a sword on the cover.
I didn’t understand what I was doing when I played this. Sword of Vermilion is a JRPG. It’s a quirky one – there are some oddball mechanics in play, in some very cool ways – but it’s an action-tilted Japanese role-playing game where discretion is often the better part of valour. You need to fight… I don’t want to overstress it and say strategically, because there is a real degree of “just attack the enemy” here, but certainly, you don’t want to just mash the controller all the time.
Unless you’re me, in which case, that’s all you’re doing. Even when you’re exploring a cave. Or, uh, wandering around a village. I distinctly remember my uncle chiding me because I was slamming the A, B, and C buttons like there was no tomorrow in an effort to… buy items, I think. I was categorically, unequivocally, and peerlessly, playing Sword of Vermilion incorrectly.
2 Like Two Dozen Minigames In The Mario Party Series
There are too many button-mash minigames strewn throughout the Mario Party series to count, but I’m bad at them all. I’ve encountered this problem a plethora of times, usually against my friends. At least when I lose to them, I can pretend it’s because they’re really very good, even when they are not. When I lost against the CPU, there’s no getting around it – I’m dreadful.
On the flip side, when it’s my friends, they’ll see just how poorly I’ve performed, whether it’s knocking down as many Thwomps as possible, or carving up Pokeys in rapid succession, or whatever the case may be. They’ll witness my godawful scores. But they don’t point and laugh, because they’re my friends. They just laugh, without the pointing, which is deeply appreciated.
1 Blade Clashes In Dynasty Warriors 4
In several Dynasty Warriors games, a blade clash can occur, which will involve manic button-mashing to build up the power necessary to overcome your foe. As the name implies, this happens when two weapons are locked against one-another (though, they don’t necessarily need to be blades).
In Dynasty Warriors 4 specifically, I have never won a blade clash. It didn’t matter if I was up against a real-life opponent or a CPU; the result was, historically, always the same. I’ve not touched Dynasty Warriors 4 in decades, but the trauma of my routine on-the-clock failures has left me so thoroughly scarred, that to this day, in any game with a similarly avoidable mechanic, I will keep my distance from the target whenever possible. I live in fear.
Dynasty Warriors 4 has, in its own way, developed in me a steadfast strategy. If staying near a foe will run the risk of a blade clash, I will adapt to a mid-range, even long-range, approach. If I know ahead of time that a video game presents such imposing difficulty, I will default to a long-range character. DW4 trained me to be afraid.
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Aerith Gainsborough gave me her express approval to write this list.
