This week in PC games: Tony Hawk, eerie cat miners and all the speedrunning you can eat

Last week was a week of cancellations, layoffs and general immiseration, so let’s attempt to bless this one with some introductory dad jokes.

Did you hear about the femme fatale who had to phone tech support? You see, her legs wouldn’t quit. Did you hear about the femme fatale who had to phone Minecraft tech support? You see, her logs wouldn’t cut. Did you hear about the femme fatale with a very high ping who had to withdraw from a Counter-Strike tournament? You see, her lags wouldn’t qualify her for competing in a professional esport. True enough, all of these witticisms are an offence against nature and you should write better ones in the comments. But first, let us speak of new PC games – and PC gaming news.

Monday 7th July

• Time-poor players rejoice, for annual speedrunning festival Summer Games Done Quick is now underway. It got started on Sunday, actually, but today is when the any%ing begins in earnest. Viewer donations go to Doctors Without Borders – they’ve rustled up around $179,000 so far.

Tuesday 8th July

• Missile Command Delta is Missile Command but turn-based and played inside a game in which you explore a sinister, puzzle-filled base. Someday, one of these batshit Atari revivo-splicings will stick the landing. Will 8th July be that someday? Or will it simply be the first day of Develop in Brighton, the UK games industry’s annual mini-GDC and/or shady late night poker game?

Wednesday 9th July

• Nothing really catches my eye today, so I’m going to steal a release from Thursday 10th: teampunk punkshooter Mycopunk, which is sort of Destiny but set in a mouldy scrapyard.

Thursday 10th July

• Let us plumb some depths. In Occlude, you play baleful transmogrifications of Solitaire to unlock access to an occult archive. In Everdeep Aurora, you are a bright-eyed drillcat tunnelling through a bountiful underground Game Boy world. If you’re more builder than burrower, there are archipelagoes to decorate in Islanders: New Shores.

Friday 11th July

• Time to drag a small child kicking and screaming through the snow in Dogwalk. Or send troops screaming and possibly kicking into alien hives via banks of datafeeds in autobattler Xenopurge. Or watch Tony Hawk fall kicking and screaming off his skateboard in the remake du jour, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 + 4. There is no kicking and screaming in turn-based mech strategy sim Death Ring: Second Impact, I think, unless it’s one of those awful Evangelion situations where the mechs transmit battle damage to their pilots.

Did you hear about the femme fatale who had to take her pond birds back to the petshop? You see, her Lake Ducks wouldn’t quack. Did you hear about the femme fatale who went bankrupt? You see, her long shot investments wouldn’t quadruple. Did you hear about the femme fatale who had to call off her Roman-themed drinking party? You see, her legionnaires wouldn’t quaff. Oh god, I can’t stop. Somebody make me stop.